That title is something I learned in one of the very first therapy sessions with an instructor and it was not a good match, but I’ll never forget that line. It must be part of the Shrinks version of Therapy For Dummies. But the statement is ever so true.
I’ve found myself wondering why I haven’t put my mind, body, and spirit into some projects I’ve been yearning for almost ten years. And besides self-sabotage or, perhaps, fear of success. That’s one point of view my therapist has, but I cannot comprehend how that is even a thing. However, the subconscious mind is an unrelenting universe of untapped mysteries, good, bad, and ugly. I found myself asking questions like:
Where in your life are you denying your greatness?
Why are you preventing your expansion by pretending that you’re not already equipped for it?
What could I accomplish if I saw myself in the same light as my greatest admirers saw me?
It was time to take even the smallest of steps.
Writing, podcasting, living alone are all things I wanted to get back to for about seven years and have had every opportunity to do so. I know I’m being unrealistically hard on myself when I say it this way, because I have been dealing with so many things, menatally, emotionally, and on the home front. And, what I mean by the home front is that I’ll be forty in two months and I’ve never had the feeling, “this is it. This is where I belong.” But I have dedicated myself to seeking therapy and working towards making myself able to become the person I want to be and within the last month, I’ve made all of those happen.
I’m not one-hundred percent where I want to be yet, but i’m taking the steps I need to be to look at my movements as, “at least I put forth the effort” versus “if I would have just started years ago, I wonder where I would be.” If you aren’t changing your actions you aren’t changing your life. It really is that simple.
The funny thing about it is that taking the first steps can look like so many different things. Fasting to allow your body to work through some of the old energy in your system without forcing it to process new things. It can look like taking a nap, so your unconscious mind has a chance to process the background noise and wake up with a new perspective. Shit, there were even a few days where I didn’t do any talking, just so I could remember the sound of my inner voice and lessen the attachments to the outer negative influences. Silence is something I dread, but this really allowed me to start to trust myself again. It was a reset that I desperately needed. It was me trying to put down my pain, instead of embracing it until I was strong enough to carry it.
What a long, strange trip it’s been this life of mine, but now that I have found the confidence in my abilities, and the wherewithal to see things through, my life has only just begun. Even if it is at the tender age of thirty-nine.