I started my day out with a text message that was not very warm all because of a misunderstanding that person and I had the night before. I guess my reference in regards to a previous text wasn’t recognized or understood. Maybe, shouldn’t have even been written at all on account of lack of comedic timing. The good thing about this is, I am incredibly used to starting off my day with certain things or people trying to steal my sunshine. Most of the time, it’s a good for nothing co-worker, today it was a comment. So, as I figured it, the day cannot get too much worse from her, so I decided to call my mother. It was an exercise in futility.
As it turns out, my mothers lack of reaching out to me came because of a text message as well. When someone constantly tests the boundaries of your relationship, sooner or later you decide to push back. And that is exactly what I did on a cold, January day to my mother when she texted me, “how are you doing?”
We had not talked since Christmas and that fiasco of a situation so when she texted, I told her exactly how I was. “I’m struggling to keep my head afloat, I hate my job, i’m lonely, I don’t ever feel loved. Ever. And, there is 6 inches of snow that keeps coming and I have to drive 400 miles. Other than that, I’m fucking great.” It was an asshole response; in response to the way she acted like a child over our time together at Christmas. That said, two wrongs don’t make a right. So, it actually made a little sense to me when she stated that to be the reason. I also felt deep down that a mother who cared enough to understand the situation I was in and had practices in empathy. Would have just filed that as a bad day. Tried again down the line. And address my snide, yet truthful comments at a later date, but she just withdrew like she always does. Completely pulled her troops out. She did so acting like it was her making the effort to stay in touch and mend our poor relationship, when in all actuality, I was the one reaching out to her almost daily. And I’m fucking sick of it.
I’m sick of doing it with my mom, my aunt, my friends. I cannot always be the one to drop what I’m doing and be the one to bend over backwards to keep things afloat.
The friend I argued with today did one of the most kind things that anyone has ever done for me. I went out to cut down a Christmas tree this year and for some reason, the ones close to my house were in the year of the replenishment. It takes about 7 years to grow a tree to decent height and I caught three different places in that season. So, she pilled up the crew and brought over her two girls and a small tree that fit right on the front room table, on display for me to smile at all year long. It was a Godsend. I was in a real bad place that day with depression and not feeling loved. Friends can love, but it doesn’t always feel the same as parental or love of that from a significant other. Regardless, the tree made my month.
One of the things I’m starting to do is make boundaries with people in my life to avoid putting out way more than I am taking in. It’s a necessary change for me to keep the little sanity I have left. Because of these changes, I have been in arguments with almost all of my close friends in the past few months. I only let something go so far before Idecide to step in and speak my peace. Regardless of the consequences of this new found practice, it’s necessary. So, when my mother tried to push her bullshit on me this afternoon with the call. I wasn’t having it. I kept my tone respectful, but spoke up in defense of myself whenever needed.
Same thing with my friend. When they had no issue speaking their mind in regards to my money situation. And, also had no trouble letting me know that when I send a text, video via social media, or article about politics that they cannot immediately drop what they are doing to see what I have to say, send, or spew. To be blatantly clear, that was never expected of said person. She’s a teacher, mother, caretaker, coach mom. So I clearly understood that her time is limited, before she readily felt the need to remind me in a less than friendly tone one afternoon via text exchange. That her time is not that of her own.
I guess the only thing I can say is that I guess I’m a hard man to know and I’m okay with that. Because once I do let you in, I believe my friendship, loyalty, and caring is second to none.