As I was walking my six miles this afternoon, I decided to just do it without headphones on. Just take in an amazing day in the south burbs of Chicago. The birds were bumpin’, the squirrels were crunching through the leaves, or what will soon turn to compost. It was magnificent.
But then, I started thinking about life, love, stress, and setbacks. It’s that type of thought progression that I’m trying to snap with positive reinforcement, but I can be a difficult road to hoe. I just want to be able to lose myself in the moment and enjoy it for what it is. I’m working on it.
Anyway, I got to thinking about the fact that I hold grudges over stupid behavior or comments that are intended to be hurtful. Even if they may have been said in the heat of the moment. I get upset and then completely shut myself off from said person for no particular length of time by any rule of thumb, but it usually takes weeks to months for me to want to reach out again.
The fact that I hold grudges is fair,especially if it is over a significant issue, but many times it’s over a misunderstanding, opinion, thoughtless comment, or not being included in something. And the thing that really drives me nuts is it never seems like the person or persons in which I’m dealing with ever seem to give a shit. So why should I, right? Well, I do. I always do.
If people held grudges everytime I did something stupid, I’d have no friends left. Which Is the way it kind of feels right now.
I have to work on forgiveness, but it is hard. Preaching to the choir, am I right? It pains me because it always seems like I;m the one in this position. Forgiving my mom and dad (it really is hard to use those terms to describe my parents, because those words should be saved for those adults actively participating in their kids lives.) It really is mentally exhausting.
And, after having thoughts like this is often the time where I think, “ahh, I was definitely meant to be alone.” which is a terrifying thought.
So, let me leave you with a question; what is your role in a friendship?