Are you experienced?

I knew one day during this month that I would bring up the topic of love and how to best find it. I’ve only been in two relationships during my almost forty years (May 5th). And, to top that off, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was thirty-one (sexual molestation and substance played heavy roles) and have only had one sexual partner my entire life. So, on this topic, I am just about as far removed from experience as you can possibly be. But, all I can do is speak my truth. Through years of therapy, I was finally able to overcome my reluctance towards relationships and intimacy about ten years ago.

Searching for love has consumed a great deal of thought and time as I assume it does for most single individual. No one wants to be alone all of the time, or, if they do , they’re very unique. I know almost all of my time outside of work has been spent alone due to the pandemic and taking precautions to keep those around me safe. If you throw dating during a pandemic into the mix, it’s like trying to solve a rubix cube blindfolded. Some serious David Blaine type shit. But, alas, here I am and the search continues. 

When It comes to that first spark, let’s just be honest, it is usually struck from physical attraction. And, It is usually struck when you encounter a stranger, or at most a casual acquaintance. Most of the time, the thought of dating a friend is so nerverecking because of the potential cost of a bad experience. The loss of said friend. That said, I don’t deem it unfathomable to find a close friend to be one’s “soulmate.”  Sometimes, soulmates are revealed when you stop viewing them romantically; when your lens is not tinted by courtship, but cleared by true friendship.

I think when it comes to dating, there is too much pressure focusing on what the sex will be like, and I completely understand that, most people want a passionate, vibrant, and abundant sex life. But what If we took a step back from sex? What if we just focused on being present? The quality of presence cannot be achieved, you discover your presence as you surrender to the present. And, in surrender, you feel it’s energy shift in utter ease around and through you and your partner. Yielding to it’s intimate touch. Forget about sex, just play first. Dance, sing, read to each other, breath together. Communicate!!!!!! Don’t count on sex to be the door to intimacy. It’s the other way around; first develop intimacy skills, then make love to enjoy them. Appreciate every aspect of each other’s being. I cannot tell you how many hours of therapy my therapist and I have attributed to this topic. And, to be honest, outside of the loneliness, I enjoy every minute about picking each other’s brain because I get to hear it from a female’s perspective.

So what am I doing wrong? I am a solid 6.25 out of 10 on the looks scale. I have a good personality and set of communication skills. I love to cuddle.  And the biggest mindf*ck of all is I have a great sense of humor, and i’ve heard how valuable that is. Allegedly, lol.  

I’ve found myself approaching women at the bar, trying to strike up a conversation. I’ve tried sending flowers anonymously to one’s work with a note attached, and the intention of reaching out to reveal who the sender was, only to never follow through (that story will come later). I’ve tried blind dates, friends set-ups, random meetings on the internet and they all have failed me. You start to wonder, “what is wrong with me?”  The answer is nothing, but the question itself still doesn’t feel great.

Anyway, I know the right person will come along sooner than later and will know how to hold my love. The right person will choose me just as deeply as I choose them. I will never have to quit the things I care about, or, feel like I am too much to handle. I will never have to beg for the love I deserve. One day, I will be met where I am at. One day, I will be someone’s favourite thing, and I will not be confused. I will not have to feel like I’m fighting for someone who is not fighting for me. One day I know it will no longer matter how hard I tried, because the right person was always going to find me, and me them. The right person is always going to stay.

One Love.

Joshua

17 thoughts on “Are you experienced?

  1. I think you are super funny, witty, vulnerable and a great writer. I love the faith you have that the right person will come and I believe it too. Life has so many twists and turns and surprises. I am wishing very much that sooner than later, the person comes who is just who you’ve been waiting for.

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  2. I met my husband in a country and western bar. Cliche, I know. Second marriage for both of us, but it has worked out for 23 years. We got married in Vegas, yet another cliche. I hope you find your soulmate, too. Everyone deserves that special someone. Have you tried church and funerals as potential places to meet someone, or is that idea too Hollywood. Anyway, I wonder what some of the elementary teachers will think when they see your rag. 😂 I taught high school where sex is a topic of conversation. One of my favorite moments was when a senior girl explained all of Edna’s sexual awakenings in “The Awakening.” That awakened the LDS boys. Ah, memories.

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  3. I have a wonderful niece in CT 🙂 who would appreciate all that you are! Be patient. There is a very lucky woman out there waiting for you. As I reflect upon my day today, I will think about “you discover your presence as you surrender to the present.” LOVE this!

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  4. Josh, thank you for being so open and vulnerable. I have lot’s of favorite parts like this “Sometimes, soulmates are revealed when you stop viewing them romantically; when your lens is not tinted by courtship, but cleared by true friendship.” Do people still do this? A good friend of mine loves to use the line “I can’t see myself with him” not knowing the person. I think that this is something that MANY struggle with. This statement makes me want to step back and clean my lens too. The last paragraph though… I felt that in my soul. You deserve the best, we all do. Don’t rush anything, it’s coming.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Of course! We knew of each other in high school, went our separate ways and then started hanging out with mutual friends. I got married and he was not my first husband. He was actually the best man in my first wedding.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. This post shook me out of my a little temporary funk. Thank you! I totally clicked on it because the title made me laugh. I appreciate that you are writing about this. I think it’s refreshing to hear a male perspective added to stories of how sexual trauma impacts intimacy. I love brave writing and vulnerability.

    Liked by 1 person

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