Technically, I didn’t Sh*t my pants, I shit on my pants. Ya see, I walk anywhere from three to nine miles after work at the forest preserve near my house and yesterday was not my day.
As my Dr. friend described it to me I have a case of IBS and loves pizza too much. So, when I hit the trail Tuesday afternoon, I got the bubble guts with about ¾ of a mile left on the trail. And, as all of us know, we start negotiating with ourselves on whether we will make it to a bathroom or not. “ I swear, if you just let me get home, I’ll be nice to my co-workers.” And, most of this time you get out of it , no harm, no foul. Wellllllllllll, I suppose i’ve lost my touch in my negotiation tactics.
I get to the point where “it’s go time.” I am not going to get anywhere comfortable, so I dart into the depths of the woods so no one has the viewing displeasure during their exercise. So, I hang my headphones and water bottle on a branch and look for the nearest tree for support to lean on and shield myself from John Q. Public. First tree I lean against is about fourteen inches in diameter, so I put my back on it and CRACKLING AND SNAP goes the tree in half about eight inches off the ground and onto the fence that keeps the intruders out of the golf course. Like I mentioned, I like pizza. So, at this point, I’m not only feeling vulnerable, but come on down embarrassment, you’re the next contestant on the Slice Is Right. Anyway, I found another tree and awkwardly handled my business. Awkwardly. Usually, the go to item for the next part is leaves, but there is 6 inches of snow all around, so it snowballs. Boy was that a shock to the system.
At this point i’m out of the woods and headed back to my car as fast as possible, soiled pants and all (FYI, snow is unpredictable as TP, just in case Covid gets crazy again). I’m walking ang I have my head on a swivel to try to keep anyone from seeing my pants. I’m out there every day, I’m trying to keep what little dignity I have left. And believe it or not, conversations have been struck up with strangers on the trails.
I’m at the ¼ mile mark and I notice a woman behind me jogging quickly considering a large part of the trail is still covered in ice. After I see her, I pull my shirt down as far as it will go to cover my accident, but let’s be honest, we have all met Murphy and both him and his Law are real Richards, you know what I mean. I just want to throw in there thatI am a single man of 39 and It would be a DREAM to meet a woman on the trail. Well, Murph, you blocker you. You got me good.
As the woman approaches to about three feet I step off into the snow to give her a clear path to jog and not have to deal with slipping, but of course, she stops and looks down and looks at my pants and says, “awww, thanks for scooting over. It looks like you had some trouble with the ice today.” I stood silent for about three seconds as she and I made eye contact. She was stunning! I was so shocked that all I could muster out of my mouth to her question was, “it’s sh*t….” She starts laughing and takes off, and says something under her breath that I could not make out, but i’m sure I don’t want to know, anyway.
Long story short, you definitely can add shame for the “all the feels” trifecta. Thank God I had a seat cover in my care and a box of tissues to wipe away… my tears.